Thursday, November 18, 2010

It's gonna be alright

Do you know when you need help? Can you feel when you're drowning and recognize the fact that you alone can no longer pull yourself up and out? While the thought of actually seeking out help may seem a bit humiliating at first, I believe that eventually you work past that and actually begin to see differences.

So alright, this past year of my life --- challenging to say the least. While I struggled with so many internal issues and did my best to try and hide it from the rest of the world, it began to effect the external and I could no longer contain it. You know how it works, at first it starts out somewhat small and over time if not dealt with, it becomes this humongous pit where you just don't even think you can get out.

Yes, that was me. I'm not gonna lie. How many mornings did I lie in bed trying to convince myself that there really was a good reason to get up for the day? Many days I'd sit alone on the couch of my living room and just cry... for no reason... other than I just felt like crying. Or the few times that I actually considered that it might be best if I drove my car into oncoming traffic? My life felt empty, without hope and I felt like I was worthless and forgotten by those people around me.

It's a dark place indeed. Feeling hopeless and lonely are two emotions that frighten me to the core because I feel like it's a bit uncontrollable. And I realize that when you get to a certain point like I did, you can't necessarily "make yourself" pull it together and suck it up. It's amazing if you can even muster the energy and strength to throw some clothes on, fix the hair so that you can take the kids to school that morning.

So I asked for help. Amazingly... because when you get to your lowest point in life sometimes you can't even do that. I was surprised at the outcome. After about eight months of going through this alone I have finally begun to share with others about all that has been going on - past and present and realized that because I internalized everything no one even had a clue. Talking it out with the few people in my life that I knew would love me unconditionally (at least I hope that's the case) was huge for me. And it allowed me to officially take hang up the cape and no longer be superwoman. That's freeing in itself.

BUT what I want to encourage even more, is if you are struggling and are feeling life pushing you down to the point where you just can't breathe anymore. Seek out help. Even if it's just telling someone close to you that you can't do it any more and that you need help but you don't know how to get that help.

It's going to be okay. Will the road to recovery be hard? Quite possibly - I see long days ahead of me with the tissue box close by... but at least now I'm not doing it alone. AND I know you can do it to because I think that deep down inside you somewhere is that person longing to be amazing - but s/he might need a little help finding that greatness.

You are amazing. Seek it. Believe it. Live it.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

My Little Girl

My daughter is one of the most amazing people I know. I think I say it often, but I really believe it's true. She is strong mentally and physically and for that I think she's amazing!

She is my gymnast that can mess up on an event in competition and it won't cause her to go downhill the rest of the meet. She's strong enough to realize her mistake(s), but even stronger to not let it effect her. I could definitely take some lessons from her.

So she's having an amazing season. And I'm so proud of her! We're all very proud of her - her family & her coaches. Here's a vid from this weekend - we had a meet against one of our biggest competitors in the state. She missed winning the meet by .05!!! Holy cow. Next time - we'll get it.