It's gonna be alright

Do you know when you need help? Can you feel when you're drowning and recognize the fact that you alone can no longer pull yourself up and out? While the thought of actually seeking out help may seem a bit humiliating at first, I believe that eventually you work past that and actually begin to see differences.

So alright, this past year of my life --- challenging to say the least. While I struggled with so many internal issues and did my best to try and hide it from the rest of the world, it began to effect the external and I could no longer contain it. You know how it works, at first it starts out somewhat small and over time if not dealt with, it becomes this humongous pit where you just don't even think you can get out.

Yes, that was me. I'm not gonna lie. How many mornings did I lie in bed trying to convince myself that there really was a good reason to get up for the day? Many days I'd sit alone on the couch of my living room and just cry... for no reason... other than I just felt like crying. Or the few times that I actually considered that it might be best if I drove my car into oncoming traffic? My life felt empty, without hope and I felt like I was worthless and forgotten by those people around me.

It's a dark place indeed. Feeling hopeless and lonely are two emotions that frighten me to the core because I feel like it's a bit uncontrollable. And I realize that when you get to a certain point like I did, you can't necessarily "make yourself" pull it together and suck it up. It's amazing if you can even muster the energy and strength to throw some clothes on, fix the hair so that you can take the kids to school that morning.

So I asked for help. Amazingly... because when you get to your lowest point in life sometimes you can't even do that. I was surprised at the outcome. After about eight months of going through this alone I have finally begun to share with others about all that has been going on - past and present and realized that because I internalized everything no one even had a clue. Talking it out with the few people in my life that I knew would love me unconditionally (at least I hope that's the case) was huge for me. And it allowed me to officially take hang up the cape and no longer be superwoman. That's freeing in itself.

BUT what I want to encourage even more, is if you are struggling and are feeling life pushing you down to the point where you just can't breathe anymore. Seek out help. Even if it's just telling someone close to you that you can't do it any more and that you need help but you don't know how to get that help.

It's going to be okay. Will the road to recovery be hard? Quite possibly - I see long days ahead of me with the tissue box close by... but at least now I'm not doing it alone. AND I know you can do it to because I think that deep down inside you somewhere is that person longing to be amazing - but s/he might need a little help finding that greatness.

You are amazing. Seek it. Believe it. Live it.

My Little Girl

My daughter is one of the most amazing people I know. I think I say it often, but I really believe it's true. She is strong mentally and physically and for that I think she's amazing!

She is my gymnast that can mess up on an event in competition and it won't cause her to go downhill the rest of the meet. She's strong enough to realize her mistake(s), but even stronger to not let it effect her. I could definitely take some lessons from her.

So she's having an amazing season. And I'm so proud of her! We're all very proud of her - her family & her coaches. Here's a vid from this weekend - we had a meet against one of our biggest competitors in the state. She missed winning the meet by .05!!! Holy cow. Next time - we'll get it.

Get Back Up

I gotta admit, my daughter is one of the most amazing people I know. She is the type of kid that decides what she wants, sets her goals and then goes after it. She never ceases to amaze me. She had a big gymnastics meet this past weekend and on her first event (bars) she had a fall. What a way to start out the meet. She could have decided that this fall was going to set the tone for her meet and let the rest of it go down hill, but instead she chose to continue to press on and she ended up taking second place overall, only missing the first place title by less than .50 of a point.

My point being... there's going to be falls along our life's journey, but don't let them bring you down. Get back up, press on, and realize that you can still be simply amazing!

Taking Inventory

October has arrived and we're now very much into our gymnastics season. Not quite to the halfway point, but not at the very beginning either. My world is spinning about 75 mph and I'm lucky if I get a moment to go to the bathroom these days. I really like the girls I'm coaching at our gym and I'm loving just about every minute of it. I'm there every day of the week but Mondays and when I'm not there I'm worried that I'm missing out on the happenings. So much of my life is consumed with gymnastics, but I'm thankful that I have a daughter for a gymnast so that I'm in the gym just about the same hours that she's working out.

I'm surprised by all the soul searching I've done lately and how I've been taking a lot of self-inventory. I find myself looking at my own faults and imperfections while helping to point out the outwardly corrections that need to be made with the girls that I coach. Two separate things I know and yet similar in many ways as well.

Do you ever just take a look at yourself and think, "what in the world has happened to me over time and who have I become?" Lately I've found myself thinking this a lot... and I don't like it. I don't like that so much of who I've become is not who I really wanted to end up like. Okay, don't get me wrong - I have an amazing husband, awesome children, a pretty good gig at the gym, and the friends I keep close to my heart take my breath away when I think of them. But the inside of me feels so out of control at the moment and I feel anxious and stressed.

So me being the planner, I want to find a solution to all this inward madness because as the clock continues to click and the moment passes I desire to be so much more and feel as though time is running out. As a coach it's my job to make my girls better gymnasts and encourage them to find it in themselves to be better for themselves. But the crazy thing about it all is that I hear myself talking and feel like I'm the one that needs to be better - that I'm capable of so much more than what I'm doing at the moment. Do you feel that too?

Let's work together to make ourselves better on a daily basis and as we begin to do that then we can begin to change the world around us. It's starts from within. Find it - and be amazing!

The End

I've allowed so much of what I do to define who I am as a person, when that necessarily isn't the case. What I do simply is, what I do. Who I am is my character, personality and being. So if what I do has defined me for so long - what happens when I no longer am "doing" that something?

For the past 6.5 years I've been a fitness instructor, motivating and encouraging other people with their workouts and to live out a healthy lifestyle. It's been an adventure in itself as I've had numerous personal struggles, an occasional personality conflict with a student, a falling out with an owner, and that's not to mention the sound equipment squabbles I've had on a regular basis. All in all, it's been a great learning experience. Over the years I've become a more self-confident and stronger (is that even possible) woman with drive and self-determination to get the job done.

To get the job done... hmmm. The past year and a half has not been an easy one for me as an instructor, my heart hurts thinking about some of the things that I've been through. The learning process has not been an easy one for me but I know it's something that I needed to go through. I've felt my life changing a little bit each day and I could see that something that I used to love so passionately was no longer one of the most important things in my life.

Every year about this time I have to renew my franchise as an instructor and about 6 months ago I really began thinking about whether to do so or not. As the moment approached I continued to really weigh my options and although fearful of my future I started to consider that teaching aerobics might not be a part of it. Of course I was a little scared, working out has been a regular activity for me for the past 7 years and I've always been accountable to that workout knowing that there were students waiting for me at class.

So all this to say, I wrote my letters of resignation yesterday to my district manager and to the center owner letting them know that I'd not be renewing and that I'd finish out October. It's bitter sweet, but even after I hit send, I realized that I had made the right decision. The decision to be finished is a good one for me, I don't see myself as quitting, but instead I've completed my journey.

Here's my last thought on all this: don't finish when you're down, instead finish on top. There have been a few times in the past years when I just wanted to be done with teaching because someone had a complaint about my class or my feelings had been hurt in some way or another, but had I quit then I'd have regret. Finishing now - when I'm happiest as an instructor - I have no regret. Yes, I'm sad - but I also know that I'm in a good place and that I'm doing it for the right reasons. And lastly, don't allow yourself to be defined by what you do - instead, define yourself by who you are and the person that you are becoming.

I will miss the friendships that I've made along the way, my instructor friends and student friends. I have some really awesome memories that I'll treasure always, but you know - for the first time in a very long while my head seems so clear.

Life is short - chase your dreams, live out your moment and laugh often. Give 110% in all that you do and look back on growing pains as stepping stones to a better you. Be amazing!

The Fighter

I'm a fighter. Yes, I am. BUT I'm not the type that's going to start a brawl in a bar because someone spilled beer on my new cute pair of shoes. Nope, not that kind of a fighter.

I have my goals and I work towards them. If you tell me that I can't do something I will find a way to prove you wrong. Everything inside of me fights to prove who I am and what I am capable of being.

I'll be that girl that picks up my friends fights and tag-teams with them to help pull them through, because I believe in them that much. I know success is attainable and I will fight until it is within my grasp, and then I won't let go once I've got it.

I hope that each one of you is a fighter too, because there are things in life that are just worth fighting for: love, friendship, marriage, family, life. (All monetary items, as you can see. Ha ha ha.) Don't quit. Often times the most difficult and hardest journey leads to the sweetest victory. Know yourself and your limitations and find someone to help you along the way if you need it.

Lastly, people talk so don't listen to them. And then there will be those people that don't talk leaving you wondering if you've got their support or not. Realize that not everyone is secure with themselves and feel as though they've got to bring you and the rest of the world down with them. Don't fall prey to their trap. You are so much better than that.

You are amazing, go be it!

Focus

Here it is - almost time for our gymnastics season to begin and I can't stress more to my little gymnasts that remaining focused is the key.

Focus: a life lesson indeed!

I tell my girls that the only voice they should listen for is mine. I tell them don't look around the gym - pay attention to the apparatus that you are on and the skills that you are about to do. It's inevitable, one of my gymnasts doesn't hear a word I'm saying because she's too busy looking around the gym at what others are doing and so when it's her turn to step up and go she has no idea what she's supposed to be doing.

Focus!

Not only do I tell girls to focus so that they know what they are doing - but if they don't know what they are doing and they step up and do something completely different and I think they're doing what they're supposed to be doing, they could potentially get hurt because I'm not prepared to spot them on something else.

Another reason why I try to enforce staying focused - because the moment we lose sight of our goal and easily get distracted there's a possibility that we might not be able to regain composure and/or we fall or lose balance.

A little extreme perhaps - but I see it happen all the time at the gym. One of my gymnasts is on the balance beam and she'll be going through a routine and for just a brief moment she forgets that she's on beam and her eyes start to wander and then she falls.

Lack of focus = frustration. So why not just stay focused?

In life there's so much to be focused on - our jobs, our families, our friends, our day to day activities. It's not always easy to remain focused on each, but it is important as we quickly become imbalanced. Don't easily get distracted by the outside noise and the pretty shiny objects glistening. Instead, realize that you goal - whatever it may be is so much greater than that which is trying to draw your attention.

Stay focused - it's hard at times, but you can do it. Your goals are completely within reach and attainable. Stay focused!

Be amazing.